Shorttakes

 

Soooooo....

 

Where on earth have you been, Beth?  Well, nowhere physically & everywhere emotionally.  But obviously completely out of touch here on the website & newsletter & social media.

 

(WARNING: Lotta yipyap about me here) 

 

One thing I never do is "review the year" (or any timeframe, really).  It's over, I've learned from my mistakes & the good times were fun, but in the rearview.  There are many reasons for that for me, but nothing pertinent. But last year really dragged me under & I am still fighting to realize how & why.  And because it impacts the shop & you stitchers, I'm going to try & explain where I've been. 

If' you've read my yipyap for any length of time, you know that I make no secret of the fact that I've been diagnosed with clinical depression for over 30 years now.  It's genetic.  It runs in our family.  We accept it & deal with it & get on with it.  And for 30 years that is what I've done, to varying degrees of success.  But I also don't like to trot it out as an excuse for things. 

Well, for the first time ever, last year I COULD NOT get on with it.  This time last year my mom was FINALLY out of the hospital, finished with rehab, discharged from home health visits & making our way to smoother sailing.  And mom did relatively well.  We had a few glitches here & there (several UTI's which landed her at the urologist who then did surgery to remove kidney stones....which weren't there), but basically she was okay! 

I however, could not get out of my own way.  There was no trigger, there was no event.  Just a very deep feeling of impending doom.  And yes that sounds RIDICULOUS to even type, much less read, but I cannot think of a different description.  Every single day was a struggle.  Some days I just managed to get up, get dressed, take care of my pup, take care of mom, then get to the shop & do what I could ~ some days that wasn't much & on those days I really was disgusted with myself.

One thing I have realized in hindsight (which, as I stated, I hate), is that while I have been fine with acknowledging & accepting my depression, it turns out I never really had to battle it until now.  And, as it turns out, I'm not such a good fighter.  Or maybe I am, who knows?  What I do know is that, as much as I have said in the past that this is a disease like many others, and you have to treat it like that, and you can't just think your way out of it...all the things you've heard & that I DO BELIEVE, this past year I have found myself blaming MYSELF for all of it.  I am MAD at myself for not rising above it.  I blame MYSELF for the consequences of my inabilities.  And while I know in my head that it isn't all MY FAULT, deep inside where no one else can go, I'm pretty sure it is all my fault.  I find this line of thinking to be ridiculous.  And yet, here I am.  And what I REALLY hate is all the folks I've let down & delayed because of this.  No one is kicking my backside more than I am.  And I really struggle not to just truly hate myself. 

Each time things would smooth out a little & I could see the sun, then, just like a bad cliche, the next wave dragged me down.  It was brought home last year that I had lost a few very close friends for good.  NO ONE DIED!  They had just been slowly (or not so slowly) ghosting me.  And a couple things happened to reach up & smack me & say "THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU!  Accept it!" .  That was a really tough one ~ these are people who were so close that they were my "in case of emergency" people.  It took someone reaching out (or, to be more accurate, very much NOT reaching out) for me to realize that I am no longer a member of their circles of love.  So the final acceptance really set off a bit of a breakdown.  As the saying goes, lesson learned, message received.  But oh how it hurt.  It still does if I think about them, which I try very hard not to do.

And then (!), one Sunday in early November I walked into the living room to find my mom nonresponsive sitting in a chair.  Just not even staring, but just nothing.  She was breathing & all that, but not "there".  Long, long, long story short, she had a heart attack, required 3 stents, a week plus in the ICU, developed pneumonia, had to have the end of life decisions, had to tell my nephews, but she bounced back!  Spent another week or so in the hospital, then another stint in rehab rebuillding her strength.  And as usual, the insurance "experts" decided (against the advice of the medical staff & the therapists) that it was time for her to go home!  Unfortunately, she had no ability to do stairs yet...and there are 15 stairs to get into our place.  It was horrific.

On the same day she was discharged, I took my Charlee girl (my sweet doggy) to the vet, thinking she had an abscessed tooth.  I was already worried about her having to have surgery as she is 10 years old.  Got the the vet (whom I've gone to for 30 years now) & the vet took one look at the tiny pea-sized bump & her face just fell.  She looked at me & said, "Beth, she doesn't have bad teeth.  She has an inoperable aggressive tumor.  We can biopsy it but I know what this is & even the treatment would make her sicker than what it would benefit her."  So I said, "when you say aggressive, do you mean like 6-8 months?".  And her reply was, "2-4 weeks".  The good news is, my girl just passed the 6 week mark.  The bad news is the tumor is now the size of a golf ball & is slowly starting to impact her breathing.  But she remains otherwise unaffected.  She is happy to be with me, she is loving the fact that her food is now made for her each day ~ scrambled eggs, pasta, turkey & veggie meatballs & the occasional treat of Wawa meatballs.  But it is in reality just a long goodbye.  And while I love her every single minute of every single day, I know it won't last another 4 years or so like I had always planned. 

So needless to say, Christmas SUCKED!  Didn't even get to see my boys as Jimmy flew straight to Boston from NC, then came back here & if you recall we had an ice storm that weekend, then he flew out within 12 hours to go see friends from Cape Cod Baseball in CA to golf for a week!  I was thrilled he went ~ I really really pushed him to make it happen because he does enjoy those guys & they live in Las Vegas & California so it's hard for them all to get together.  But I didn't get to see him or hug him or just be with him.  Fortunately, he calls a lot ~ sometimes it's from the grocery store just to ask what kind of chicken to buy or how long does it take to make good pasta sauce.  But we do talk regularly.  And Chris was also making time to see all his buddies who were home for the holidays & again I was really happy he did that!  He was funny because over the summer I discovered he had a GIRLFRIEND about whom I knew nothing!!!!  Well, as you can imagine, we met for lunch one day & I had a whole come to Jesus inqusition planned!  Got to lunch, brought up the girlfriend & watched his face fall.  She had broken up with him (the NERVE!) 2 weeks earlier.  Poor guy took it hard.  I felt awful & needless to say, my grilling of him went out the window (& no, I wasn't REALLY mad it him ~ just something to give him grief about!).  She had a good reason ~ she was moving to San Francisco for her job (as a CPA ~ Chris, Chris, Chris, what were you thinking??), but he was still crushed.  So now, I get updates BEFORE the dates with new girls.  One had potential ~ special ed teacher, liked oldies rock (50's rock ~ what is that?  Elvis?  Seriously), played rugby (I had tons of questions about that as I have become a rugby fan thanks to my time in New Zealand) ~ but, it fizzled out.  Pfft, her loss!  Just ask me!  Fortunately, he & I meet up somewhat regularly for lunch or dinner since he lives here still so I get to see him more often. 

And my bestie Carol keeps me sane.  This year is our 50th Friendiversary!  Yep, we met 50 years ago when her family moved in down the street from us in Parkersburg, WV (the booming metropolis).  So we are celebrating each month with dinner out (because....we need a reason to meet up & go to dinner with good wine or beer?  No, no we don't.  But we like to make it special!).  I'd say here's to another 50, but I'm not sure I can handle 50 more years...but as long as I've got her, I can do most anything!

 

But wait!  There's more!  On Christmas Eve I got a message from Connie who works here on Thursdays.  Only it wasn't from Connie, but instead from her husband Charlie.  He texted to tell me that the flu Connie thought she was battling was instead a systemic infection caused by her pacemaker surgery she had had a few weeks previous.  WHAT??  She was in the hospital, playing the "ICU/stepdown/maybe we'll release you, oops, no the infection is back so you're staying here" game for a month!  She has finally moved to a rehab center (one of the ones my mom was in at one point!), and is making progress but remains in a lot of pain & is still on iv atibiotics.  It's been about 45 days now.  Fortunately she is moving in the right direction, so please keep her in your thoughts & in your heart as she continues to work back to "full strength". 

 

All this is to say, I dropped the ball in 2025.  I say this not as an excuse ~ there is no excuse.  It is more trying to explain that I know I did a lousy job & I am so, so sorry to have let everyone down.  I am working hard to change things & do better at keeping things up to date ~ from orders to framing to being more responsive.  I am grateful for every single person who has stopped by at exactly the right time.  One Saturday in particular was amazing as about 5 of us laughed for what seemed like forever!  I realized later that I honestly hadn't LAUGHED in weeks.  So thank you for all the kindness you have extended to me ~ there are times I think I truly don't deserve it, but I desperately appreciate it.

 

I have fun things planned going forward & I hope you will enjoy sharing in the hugs & stitches again here at TSS.